Satan is Real.

I am sort of at odds with this situation.

We are not out of debt.

Despite gut wrenching sacrifices and work....we are not out of debt.

Despite the fact that I THOUGHT God wanted us out of debt on November 30...we are not out of debt.

Did I imagine that? Am I hearing voices that resemble God's? Could explain a lot if I am.

I am disappointed.

I feel we disappointed a lot of people.

Lot's of things went wrong the last couple of months.

I sort of feel like we had a big attack by Satan and he won.

Are we so weak?

He took me down. Hard.

I feel like I am waking up from a very bad dream.

I have been living in a fog. A bad fog. Thank God the fog is lifting. Slowly. Lifting.

If you read my other blog you know that my health has been compromised the last couple of months. Compromised in a way that made it difficult for me to do simple daily tasks. As I am waking up from my fog I see that my calendar is still on October. That is when life froze for me. I find if very ironic that it is still on October. That's when I found out I was sick. That's when I quit taking the girls to their dance classes that I already PAID for but couldn't muster up the energy to get them dressed and take them. That's the last time I did our envelope system. After almost 18 months of doing it EVERY time we got paid. I couldn't do it. I did balance our checkbook. At least I did that. I am giving myself some credit.

Satan knew exactly where to get us and he got us good. We had many unexpected medical bills and prescriptions to fill. My sleeping pills alone are $50/month. The girls also BOTH got sick and had to go to the doctor and get prescriptions. Mia's allergy medicine was $50 and then we had to get them both antibiotics. Jules got sick again and had to get a stronger anti-biotic that cost $50. THEN we had to fix the Buick whose passenger side window got stuck in the "down" position. THEN we had to fix the Mazda wheel b/c somehow it got bent siting in a parking lot while we were in Chicago. This all happened in one month. The month God told me (so I thought) that we would be out of debt.

I am angry. I am embarrassed. I am sad. I am disappointed. I am hurt. I am confused. I am mad at Dave Ramsey. I am upset that I let Satan get me which affected our whole family. I feel like it is my fault. I want to take a credit card and max it out.

Did God give Satan permission to attack me like he did with Job. If so, I failed. I am not Job. Again, I am not a good test taker. I feel this is unfair. It could be worse. I know. I still have my family all intact and in one piece. Praising God for that. But it still doesn't take away my hurt and confusion and disgust, really, with the fact that we are still in debt.

Could I have done more? What could I have done, God? Why did you give us such passion and grow that passion and reward that passion only to allow it to be ripped from us the last month of our journey. I don't cry much but I can't hold back the tears on this one. I have been through a lot. Levi and I have been through a lot. I should have cable right now! That one is a real pisser.

I thought we would be rejoicing right now. Instead I am hanging my head low. I don't want to talk about it and if you have tried I'm sure you noticed that I skated right around the topic. I don't want to spread the toxins that Satan has puked up all over us. I am Debbie Downer.

I don't want anyone to doubt God. I KNOW He is in complete control. I DON'T understand what went wrong. I feel like I have been physically violated by Satan. I don't think it is coincidence that all of this CRAP happened the very SAME month that God had planned for us to accomplish this unbelievable goal. 30K in 18 months. I thought it was insane too but God continually affirmed our efforts. Were they in vain? It kind of feels like it was. I am a goal person. I set a goal which I thought GOD set for us and we didn't reach it. I don't really care anymore. I don't. I am sorry to spread this negativity but I am not going to lie and if you are attempting what we are attempting you must know that Satan can attack and will. Just don't loose. I lost. I am sorry that I can't write an amazing miracle story. I am sorry that I can't inspire you to do the same right now. I will be able to later. Just not now.

God is awesome. I know that for sure. I know He is in control. I'd just like to know if this is my fault. Did I loose? Really? Did I loose to Satan? Maybe. I sure feel like I did.

I know Satan is looking over my shoulder right now. He is here. He is reading my words. He is happy. He is laughing. He is planning his next attack.

Satan, since I know your reading this right now. Screw you. I am feeling a lot better now and your nasty toxic fog is fading. Your hold on me is slipping. You know I have distanced myself from God because of all this. Well, no more. No more of this. I am going back to him. He never left me but you led me astray. You tricked me. You made me sick and took away my desires for everything that was good in my life. Flee from me Satan. Flee from my family.